SAM KINISON RETURNS FROM THE DEAD TO ROAST CDJ‑ONLY DJS

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SAM KINISON RETURNS FROM THE DEAD TO ROAST CDJ‑ONLY DJS

A Comedy Routine for Blogger
(Written in the spirit of Sam Kinison’s pacing, not as a literal impersonation)

[OPENING — Calm, warm, almost gentle]

You know…
I’ve been gone a long time.
A long time.
And when I came back, I thought the world would’ve changed in some beautiful way.
Flying cars.
World peace.
Maybe a new Beatles album.

But no.
No, no, no.
I come back, and the first thing I see…
is a DJ booth.

And I think, “Oh good, music survived. Humanity still has soul.”

Then I walk closer.

And I see it.

A pair of CDJs.

And a DJ…
who isn’t listening to anything.

[Still calm — storytelling mode]

He’s standing there like he’s waiting for a bus.
Headphones around his neck — not on his ears, not even pretending.
Just hanging there like a backstage pass he forgot to return.

He’s staring at the screen.
Not the crowd.
Not the mixer.
Not the dancefloor.

The screen.

Like he’s trying to read the future in the waveforms.

And I think,
“Wow. DJing must’ve changed.”

[The tension builds — voice tightens]

So I watch him.
I’m curious.
I’m open‑minded.
I’m trying to understand the new generation.

He loads a track.
He presses play.
And then…

He nudges the jog wheel.
Just a tiny little nudge.
Like he’s adjusting the volume on a hamster.

And he nods like he just solved world hunger.

[The fuse is lit]

He’s not listening.
He’s not feeling anything.
He’s not even pretending to mix by ear.

He’s just matching the little blue squiggly lines.
Like he’s playing a rhythm game at Chuck E. Cheese.

And I think…

“Oh no.
Oh no, no, no.
This isn’t DJing.
This is a VIDEO GAME.”

[THE FIRST EXPLOSION]

A VIDEO GAME!!!
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

You could MUTE the speakers —
TURN THE VOLUME OFF —
AND HE’D STILL BE OUT HERE MATCHING WAVEFORMS LIKE HE’S TRYING TO BEAT HIS HIGH SCORE!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Calm again — the classic Kinison reset]

Meanwhile…
real DJs —
you know, the ones who actually listen —
are over here using their ears.

Ears!
Those things on the side of your head
that aren’t just for holding sunglasses.

But the CDJ‑only DJ?
No.
He doesn’t need ears.
He’s evolved past that.

He’s a new species.

Homo Waveformicus.

[Second build — observational roasting]

He’s got the whole routine down:

  • Load track
  • Stare at screen
  • Nudge jog wheel
  • Stare harder
  • Nudge again
  • Pray to the BPM gods
  • Stare even harder
  • Touch nothing else
  • Raise hands like he cured polio

And the crowd cheers like he just performed open‑heart surgery.

[Second explosion — bigger, louder]

HE DIDN’T EVEN LISTEN!!!
HE DIDN’T TOUCH THE EQ!!!
HE DIDN’T USE THE HEADPHONES!!!
HE JUST WATCHED THE SCREEN LIKE IT WAS NETFLIX!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

You get a 1000‑POINT BONUS for matching the waveforms!
A COMBO MULTIPLIER for nudging the jog wheel!
YOU’RE NOT A DJ —
YOU’RE PLAYING BEAT SABER WITH YOUR FINGERTIPS!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Final calm — the reflective moment]

And look…
I’m not saying technology is bad.
I’m not saying progress is evil.
I’m just saying…

If you can turn the volume OFF
and still perform your art form…

…it might not be an art form anymore.

It might just be a puzzle game with a USB port.

[THE CLOSER — the final scream]

So if you ever want to feel like a champion…
just turn off the speakers…
stare at the screen…
and pretend you’re winning.

Because in the CDJ‑only world…

YOU PROBABLY ARE!!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


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