🎬 CARRIE AOKI MACHINE: A MOCKUMENTARY Hosted by DJ Buddy Holly - (parody documentary about the AlphaTheta XDJ‑AZ)

 

🎬 CARRIE AOKI MACHINE: A MOCKUMENTARY

Hosted by DJ Buddy Holly

A high‑energy, chaotic, parody documentary about the AlphaTheta XDJ‑AZ

OPENING SHOT — DJ BUDDY HOLLY ENTERS

You walk into frame with the confidence of a man who has survived too many DJ battles and too many questionable green rooms.

DJ Buddy Holly: “Welcome. I’m DJ Buddy Holly. And today… we’re investigating a phenomenon that has left the DJ community confused, red‑eyed, and laughing at things that aren’t even jokes.”

Cut to a montage of turntablists:

• laughing at a slipmat

• laughing at a tonearm

• laughing at a wall

• laughing at each other

• laughing at nothing

Their eyes are red like they haven’t blinked since the Serato 1.0 beta.

DJ Buddy Holly: “These are turntablists. They take nothing seriously. Except the AlphaTheta XDJ‑AZ… which they take way too seriously.”

CHAPTER 1 — THE XDJ‑AZ INCIDENT

You stand in front of a green screen showing a chaotic DJ battle.

DJ Buddy Holly: “It all began at the local battle. Everyone was warming up — faders clicking, records spinning, eyes redder than a malfunctioning LED.”

Cut to reenactment:

A DJ wheels in the XDJ‑AZ Gold Edition.

The turntablists erupt into laughter — loud, unhinged, contagious laughter. One guy laughs so hard he drops his slipmat. Another laughs while clutching his 45 adapter like a stress toy. A third is laughing but also crying but also laughing.

Then someone squints at the AZ and says:

“Bro… is that… shiny?”

The laughter stops instantly.

Silence.

A record scratches.

Someone whispers:

mumble… alphatheta… mumble… touchscreen…

Panic.

One DJ runs into a wall. Another storms out but returns because he forgot his needle case. A third dramatically faints onto a crate of 45s.

DJ Buddy Holly (voiceover): “Turntablists are fragile creatures. They can handle anything… except change.”

CHAPTER 2 — THE CLUB STANDARD PURIST

You sit in a chair like a true‑crime narrator.

DJ Buddy Holly: “Every scene has that one guy. The ‘club standard only’ guy. The one whose eyes are so red you can’t tell if he’s furious or just awake for the first time in days.”

Cut to reenactment:

He storms into a room, sees the AZ glowing like a divine relic, and screams:

“CLUB STANDARD ONLY, BRO.”

The other turntablists laugh at him. Then laugh at the AZ. Then laugh at the ceiling. Then laugh at nothing.

Cut to him at home later, eyes still red, holding a glitter‑sticker karaoke mic.

He’s clowning on karaoke like it personally insulted his lineage.

His family is unfazed.

DJ Buddy Holly: “Duality is real.”

CHAPTER 3 — THE ALPHATHETA ANNOUNCEMENT

You stand at a podium like you’re about to announce a new religion.

DJ Buddy Holly: “At the next battle, the announcer dropped the bomb.”

Cut to reenactment:

Announcer: “Ladies and gentlemen… we are pleased to announce… a NEW CATEGORY… brought to you by… ALPHATHETA.”

The turntablists — all red‑eyed, all giggling — suddenly freeze.

A DJ’s headphones fall in slow motion. A Red Bull can drops. Someone whispers:

“What do you mean…”

Another bursts into laughter, then stops abruptly like he remembered something traumatic.

DJ Buddy Holly: “That’s when the Carrie Aoki Machine Division was born. Nobody knew what it meant. But everyone pretended they did.”

CHAPTER 4 — THE VINYL TEMPLE

You walk through a dimly lit club.

DJ Buddy Holly: “The purist thought he was safe in the vinyl‑only club. He thought the red‑eyed laughter couldn’t reach him here.”

Cut to reenactment:

He drops the needle. He smiles. He’s whole again.

Then he sees it.

The AlphaTheta logo glowing on the back wall.

His elbow twitches. The needle skates across the record like a vinyl horror movie.

The turntablists laugh — loud, chaotic, unstoppable.

One guy laughs so hard he falls over.

DJ Buddy Holly: “Some say the logo wasn’t even plugged in. Some say it appeared on its own. I say… the Machine was calling.”

CHAPTER 5 — THE NIGHTMARE

You sit in a dark room like a paranormal investigator.

DJ Buddy Holly: “Then came the dreams.”

Cut to reenactment:

The purist stands over Technics 1200s. The platter won’t spin. He taps it. Still nothing.

He looks down.

The platter glows. Turns gold. Transforms into the XDJ‑AZ Gold Edition.

He screams. Runs. Trips. Runs again.

He wakes up sweating.

His family stares.

DJ Buddy Holly: “Therapists still don’t know what to do with that one.”

CHAPTER 6 — THE COMMERCIAL BUTTON

You stand in front of a giant LED wall.

DJ Buddy Holly: “And then… the letters appeared.”

Cut to 90s CGI letters slamming into place:

W A N N A S C A R E T H E C O M P E T I T I O N

A monster‑truck‑rally voiceover:

“NOW PRESENTING… THE ALPHATHETA XDJ‑AZ!”

Golden light erupts. Wind machines blast. A choir sings in a key no human requested.

Cut to black.

A whisper:

findusatyourlocalretailerthankyougoodnight

CLOSING SHOT — DJ BUDDY HOLLY

You look into the camera.

DJ Buddy Holly: “So what is the Carrie Aoki Machine? A myth? A prophecy? A gold‑plated touchscreen fever dream?”

You shrug.

DJ Buddy Holly: “All I know is… we’re better than A‑Okay. We are… CARRIE AOKI MACHINES.”

Fade out. Roll credits. Cue synthwave.