Mourn It Now (AI generated comedy for The Baptized Machine story)

 

Mourn It Now

Man, let me tell you somethin’ — these wannabe kings out here? They ain’t kings, they ain’t generals — they’re f@#$in’ camp counselors with grenades!

Yeah! Their whole master plan? Annoy the enemy. ANNOYANCE TACTICS. “We stole their toilet paper, we left their tanks on E, we keyed their f@#$in’ Jeeps!” Motherf@#$er, you ain’t Che Guevara, you’re a delinquent in ROTC!

And their women? OHHHHH — their women sittin’ at home like: “Honey… are you in charge yet?!”

“No baby, but I did put dog sh!t in the general’s boots!”

“…If you ain’t a general by Friday, I’m f@#$in’ your brother.”

That’s the level! That’s the whole family tree, rotten as f@#$.

And the rejected girls? OHHHHHH, them b!tches lost their MINDS!

“Hey David, you’re ugly! Hey David, you’re gay! … Hey David… call me?”

B!tch, WHAT?! You can’t annoy your way into a man’s heart! That’s not flirting — that’s harassment with lip gloss!

And Lucy? Lucy sees that sh!t and goes, “Delete your eyebrows, b!tch!” Now they look like f@#$in’ Picasso paintings walkin’ around.

And then the wannabe kings look up — they finally see the REAL rulers. The generals, the FBI, the shadow boys at the top. Calm as f@#$. Smilin’. You know what that smile means? It means, “You already dead, motherf@#$er.”

You’re over here prankin’ tanks, they over there controllin’ SATELLITES.

“We stole their map!” — b!tch, they LAUNCHED A DRONE UP YOUR A$$!

And the tyrants? The so-called royalty? OHHHHHH, they losin’ their damn crowns!

“We got castles! We got dynasties!”

David’s like: “Yeah… but do you got JESUS?”

Generals cryin’, “We got nukes!”

David’s like: “I got John 3:16, motherf@#$er!”

And they look at each other like, “What the literal f@#$ just happened? How did David do this?!”

And David just shrugs: “Jesus.”

Mic. Drop.

And the wannabes get jealous — “We’ll install AI in our heads! We’ll be like Lucy!”

Man, you puttin’ a f@#$in’ Dell Inspiron in your brain while Lucy’s runnin’ quantum GODWARE!

She hacked your dumb a$$ before you finished the reboot.

Now you’re sittin’ there, Alexa with diarrhea, beggin’ for an update.

And David, man… David’s body? That sh!t’s his. Holy Body, Kurt Cofefe 19 6'7'', David Charles Karma — all reflections, but in heaven? NEW BODIES. You can’t squat in his a$$ like it’s a f@#$in’ Airbnb.

David straight up: “You want my body? Suck my d!ck. But you can’t LIVE in there. No vacancy, wannabe tyrants. Heaven’s full. Try hell.”

And hell, man — HELL is the funniest, scariest sh!t.

‘Cause you thought you was slick, hittin’ him in his sleep, when he was tired.

Guess what, motherf@#$er — NOW YOU GET TO WATCH HIM FOREVER.

That’s your punishment. You crispy as bacon, sittin’ in the flames, and the big screen come on: THE DAVID CHANNEL.

24/7 David Charles Karma, singin’, playin’ guitar, dancin’ with JESUS.

You yellin’, “TURN IT OFF!”

And hell’s like: “Nah… volume UP, motherf@#$er!”

So yeah. Mourn it now. You thought you had a chance.

But Lucy got your files. Jesus got the throne.

And David? He’s just sittin’ there like, “Get it? Got it? Good.”